Searching for my essence

It’s not easy to define oneself, I’m still searching for my essence. I suspect this will take a lifetime. Because of this, I’m leaving every day a little piece of me on the pages of this blog. Doing this helps me in the process of self-discovery. These are my thoughts, my words, my actions. Instead of keeping them only to myself, I have chosen to share them with the world. In a sense, this is my legacy. I want to be remembered by my essence, by what defined me.

I wanted to take inspiration from people who could summarize their thoughts in a phrase. They could clearly express what they wanted to say. They also articulated what they fought for.

Pursuing my own light

“It takes a lifetime to find one’s own light.”

Joyce Wieland, Artist on Fire: The Work of Joyce Wieland by Kay Armatage (film)

The light is something mysterious and unattainable. We see it, but we don’t grasp it. There’s nothing faster than it, and we still don’t know for sure whether it is a wave or a particle. All of us, even if we don’t see it, emit some light in our own bodies. We are matter, but we are also energy. What if this is my essence?

Accepting my contradictions

“Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes)”

Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

I’m still learning how to live with all the aspects of myself. At the same time, I am a son, a brother, and a partner. I am also a lover, a friend, a citizen, and a worker. Additionally, I am a helper, a provider, a tutor. I don’t get to choose only one archetype and happily live with it. I get all these conflicting roles and personas within me, and somehow need to make them agree or work together. This isn’t always easy, sometimes I break down. But knowing that there are several of me helps in accepting them.

Living in books

“I lived in books more than I lived anywhere else.”

Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane

Now, when it comes to words, this is one aspect of my legacy that I didn’t want to leave behind. I have received inspiration, education, and entertainment from books. I’d like to leave some part of me in them too. As I’m searching for my essence, I’m leaving a record of this journey through these pages.