The delicate art of saying “no”

I will be the first to admit that I don’t say “no” as often as I should. There are several reasons for that, and probably none of them are very good. In short, I know I aim to be a nice person most of the time. But I feel the need to look nice, more than to only be nice. This has more to do with what other people think of me, than what I think of myself. So often, I accept things or behaviors that don’t align with my goals. Sometimes, they’re simply not good for me. Unfortunately, this leads to many undesired consequences, including stress and burnout. I work very hard to change that. Yes, I’m a work in progress. Everyday I need to remind myself of the delicate art of saying “no”.

The importance of boundaries

Everyone has a limited amount of energy, time, and emotional response. Saying “no” is a form of self-respect and boundary-setting. In this age of digital solutions, it’s easy to forget that we are human beings. This reminds me also of what happened in the Industrial Revolution. People, including ourselves, tend to forget that we are not machines. That we can’t function 24×7, that we need time to rest, recharge, and pursue our well-being. We need to separate time to do the things that we like. We don’t have to give any other good reason or feel guilty about it. Establishing limits can actually improve relationships by fostering honesty and mutual understanding.

Maintaining your autonomy

Remember, when you say “yes” to something, you are saying “no” to another thing. Saying “no” empowers you to make choices that align with your priorities and values, rather than constantly accommodating others’ needs. If what the other person is asking aligns with your goals, it’s all good, go for it. But if it’s conflicting or too demanding of you, take a moment. Be courteous, polite, but firm. You can show empathy by saying that you understand, but you can’t commit at that moment. It’s better to be direct and straightforward rather than beating around the bush or giving false hope. But if it’s too difficult to say “no” right away, you can say that you need to think about it. Tell you will get back to them.

Baby steps

I hope these reflections offer some practical advice. They may give you ideas for starting small. You can begin with low-stake situations to build your confidence. This is a skill, and as any skill it takes practice and self-awareness. We all need to get flexing our muscles in the delicate art of saying “no”.